Woos, school was okay today but more laughter & fun. Laughing & giggling away every steps i take, trying hard to memorise the phrase to score full marks not wanting to fail ever again. The weather so cool, i almost lost control of myself. Friends aside making me burst out laughing like a witch, like i never ever laugh that hard before. Though the day was great, i didn't like the taste of it too well probably i was faking it. I loved it when jana piggyback me in accounts period where the teacher was missing. I jumped onto her feeling no fear cause she's strong enough not to let go of me. Wasted time cracking jokes & gossips instead of studying. Somehow i feel i'm wrong to act this way today cause i'm having nausea now thinking it back then. I'm feeling alright since then & i don't want it again. Rushed to the air-con room for SS where i forget the last phrase, i went blank not knowing what to do. I only conclude & passed up, the time was enough for any acts. We're going to a carnival & pretty excited over it as we're missing lesson but that's not to be happy of. Went back to class & saw teacher scolding or something, came late in class & i was reading 'impulse'. I was more blur in A.math Trigo, tried very hard understanding. & whenever someone presses me to understand, i can't. I'm so slow but in few tries i will get the idea. Isolation is what i want for now, it's complicated to say in here. Been reading impluse book by Ellen Hopkins & the thoughts written is the same which i once remembered. The words she describe are the words i've been wanting to find all these while & no such thing ever happened after i started believing. I wanted to sore high up one day only to find myself back on the ground. I want to get rid of the thoughts i've in my mind for so long, wanting to forget the past which i can't cause it keeps repeating over the next days. I try to live with it but i found myself to be selfish which i find it hard for me to change into someone better. To protect the heart, i abandoned myself & lived with it, but i'm going to find it back again. Why is that i find myself more boring than ever, not talking too much, not listening to what others are saying? Half of me is dead, the other half of me wants to strive forward but i just can't do it. Maybe i was in the wrong in the first place & even now, i may be wrong; not correcting my mistakes. I hate talking & i want to wander off in my own pace, but i found i'm lagging behind others. Maybe because of the emptiness in my heart, i end up wiping my own tears & i don't know how to save myself which i landed my ownself in the first place. I'm fine if you treat me fine. I can't help people in need & it pains to see others suffer. For me, it always been treat others right then they will treat you right. I wish i could offer some help but i can't even take care of my ownself which is shame. I've been doing lot of thinking lately which left me little mute than before & i'm beginning to think of others around me. Mum's words went into my head & there's still dad. I often used to get angry with them for not understanding me & used them to vent my anger via verse. They still don't have an idea of what i may be doing in the middle of night & they won't give a pop in the room. I used to like it when mum used to stay whole night looking after me when i was sick. Suddenly, i was somehow reminded of my childhood. When i was a kid, i used to think it was alright for mum to beat me cause dad said it might put some sense into me. I didn't even retreat when she beat me till the plastic hanger was broken into two, i only kept crying then. I was very naive the way mum brought me up & still i am & i don't know why i'm writing all these. But now, i will fight her back, i don't want to be her puppet. Hiyah enough, i'm so out-dated! I'm enjoying myself now, heh. I've been having heart pains again & i don't know what sickness is that. It keeps throbbing my heart feeling acute pain now & then. & HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSICA
Chao (:
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