This words were my heart & soul

2010-10-15T01:09:00.000-07:00

AOut of nowhere, im back again. It feels odd & weird cus its been months since i updated my blog. Yeah, i missed writing so much. I actually came to do some research for my geeral paper which is held on the 18th oct. I jus did my pure math, it sucked! Seriously, i could have done better but i got carried away by my nervous. I had prepared myself but things jus got wrong, which is a pity. I gotta do well for my statistics paper. Im pretty nervous for my GP as well, have been preparing abt 4essays. Hope it would be good enough. Now is dashain but the cambridge students are slogging hard for their board xams:( The streets are so quiet cus most of the people have gone to their village to celebrate the festival. Well, im not also in the mood for 'fun'. Im in a serious stake of my lyf,been thinking alot. Haven't met up with bf for so long,miss him. I'm still having pblms at home,as usual. I don't know if its really abt my attitude or jus the temper. hais! Lyf in nepal has really & greatly changed who i am. I have become someone different but some of my habits still remain. I don't mind for the change in me but to live it. Days are passing by fast & who knows what outcome awaits us. Its time to learn & nuture, & live by ourself. I don't wanna be dependent on our parents cus she's always like nagging & saying bad stuffs. I don't know who i have become now, i can not say for myself either. There's jus a thing left for me to do now. & ras & ppl, i do miss you guys so much i can not xpress how i feel but sometimes i jus feel so empty & lonely. Wish we all were tgt but life is not always abt having fun. PS:my new mail is sugar-babyy@hotmail.com, im no longer using my old. OKAY,gtg nw. BYEE..

2010-06-10T06:26:00.001-07:00

Ohh well,finally!!! After so so so long since i updated my blog. I have been so damn busy since college started that i haven't beeen in contact with my dear friends(i'm sorry guys!). I don't know where to begin from but i just came back from pokarah with mali,juli,himmy,nis & ashish & i actually lied to my mum that many of us were going. Damn!,we had a hell of good times there. Its so peaceful,so much better than ktm. I actually loved it there & didn't even felt like coming home. We went to Gufa(mahendra cave),Bat cave,Fewe tal,World peace stupa & many others more. To me it was like a real tour with fellow friends & bf:-). I had really had a good time,seriously. Nishan was always there for me but too impatient didn't even let me make-up. There was 1 time where i fell down while bathing & bf didn't heard the 'thud' sound,haha. I had a quite a huge bruise on my left hand. I rode a scooty(Dio) on the highway on full speed! Whoo,atleast i accomplised something. Nis was behind me controlling cus i'm not that perfect & it was only my 3rd time riding. Jul & himmy was lost in track because they were pretty slow,while mali & asis were far ahead of us. It was a long straight road,quite desserted but a river along the road made it so beautiful. I had a long fight with my mum for this trip & in the end i still won. But hey mum,i'm so sorry for causing trouble & making you worry everytime. Mum & my relation is still the same,hais but i have become much better to please her. I don't wanna make her worry nor angry. I hope mum understands me. I'm so in love with my bf(nis),we are going 1year & a month. Too bad we can't meet everyday cus we are far from each other but he comes to pick me up atleast once a week(mayb twice). Haha. It's funny how we got together,sometimes we quarrel if i do not text him or reply his calls. I know he cares for me & i do to him too. Because of him,i know most of the places cus he keeps talking about this & that. I like him alot,hehe. I have become different,the way i speak & think. I have started to learn how to cook some dishes for dinner,future housewife. I like to cook & clean the house as well as to learn new things. I hope my dear friends are well,how are you guys? You don't even text me,for your info if your reading this get my new num 9779808475160 & atleast beep me! I miss you all so much!!! Pls forgive me for not contacting & miaing. I don't have a comp at home,thats the prob. Alright,i will update some stuffs next time. Bye all. thanks for reading:-D

2009-03-14T00:46:00.000-07:00

My family :*

going home time

in the kitchen, not shy re ke

model lahh

tired down, still giving pose ke

smile :]

wiff mommy

groupie

Sherpa & magar

with suju didi, twins name

bhaja also smiling

acting traditional

hehe

moty magarr

Juli ni ma, magar girls :DD

What a life? We had taplejung jila mela ystd at turikel opp ktm mall. I was so excited for it cus i was wearing magar dress, had to be traditional & local man. I started to get ready at 9am, finished everything by 11, hah after all girls nature to doll up. Mom & i were running late, my hair was not done so i did it myself only the fake hair mom helped me. She was cursing me instead when we were late as phupu had all had been waiting for us like for an hr. Bro & granny left first, so mom & i came later. Called juli outside her house, saw nigga walk past haa. Lols, juli was screaming away when she saw me hahaks. We quickly headed for bishal chowk where bojus all were waiting, we waited for reserved van to come too. It arrived in 20mins & picked up people along the way & reached our destination in nearly an hr. Uff, i got reminded of spore because it was very warm there. Had very few people at mela too, programs had not started yet. We went to tumba's stall, sat down & stare at people & they stared back harder. I was going to fall sick, stomach cramp, back pain, headache & feeling so warm. I was going to fall down, was feeling extremely weak la. I had no mood, went around looking at stalls & showing off our dresses. Hah, people can't believe we were magar man; thought tamang man. Mom told us to go home at 3.30 but change of plan, we waited for the programme to start first as she said like we were supposed to go up the stage & like dance etc. Juli was trembling with shame la, she didn't want to go up while mom & pabby didi were pursuding us. Juli & i went outside for a while cus she was desperate to go home. In that state, no one bother to lift us lo so we just waited for mom all to come out. Indeed they came cus mom was also in a rush to go home but phupu pursudaded her to stay longer na. Waited for micro van & finally after many minutes found one & hopped in, it was so cramp that i had to sit in mommy's lap. I doze off for a while, heh was too tired. Reached nakhipot, pupu all went milan chowk & mom went grocery for a while. Durga dhai was standing behind me, he startled me for a while cus i thought someone was behind me. First time talked with dhai, i was wearing magar dress yet he said limbu ke, lols. Haa, wished him luck for the upcoming basketball tournment & i left with juli to eat chicken wings. Mom was yelling in the middle of the road, it was embarrassing as bros were all at the court training & confirm they heard stuffs. Pari had something to give me so met him at court too. Ahh, he gave me a sketch so sweet luh. Haa, went home together & met so many of his friens, my heart was thumbing hard. I was scared.
PS: I lied to you that you weren't in my heart

2009-02-16T16:19:00.000-08:00

magg is always crazy, siao!

attention on the heels lah

MAGGOT is crazy

himali, acting cute with her pink red-brown hair. HAHAKS

kinda shy, love the heels!

okay lahh, CK model

we doing crazy stuffs at that night

busy messaging, don't distturb

overnight at mali's house

mali e cam-woman

our dinner, my treat! hah, act rich only

I wanna eat food!

sweet+emo

emo seh somebody!

himali, wake up lah

At D.point restaurant

pink gangster

wha seh, alena local

outside Hot Bread rest..

Alena, mali & i went to laghankel quite near our place. We girls went for fun & walked around the shop. We bought half kg strawberry, ohh it's so delicious & sweet la. It has been our fav food to eat while walking, people stare at you when you eat while you walk & may get sick. We girls came back around 4plus, nana & i went home to change but mom had locked the door uff effing man. SO i went to the streets in my pink skinnys, everyone was staring. We were supposed to go dinner, treat alena as it was going to be her last. I called batu & von all but supposed they had to stay at home to be mummy's boy! So four of us went to eat, didn't had a proper dinner as mali was yearning for like small stuffs of food. In the end, we ordered 2momos, pizza, chowmein & aloo pratha. Hah, i drank strawberry milkshake this time was much better. I thought the food was not going to be enough but in the end, i was the first one to be full la. We had many shots & laughed so loudly as we were the only customers. It was so fun man, so headed to mali's home to beg her dad to allow her to overnight at my house. But her daddy didn't allow when we begged him, so mali's mom called my mom to let us stay there. Poor mali, she was damn pissed. Lucky my mom allowed, i was so scared that she was going to give hell the next morning. We played & laughed the whole night as well as taking funny pictures on funny make-up. This alena la, took out the make-up set & started wearing it. Hah, somemore juli, nana & i were all wearing mali's track pants for that night. Juli was sleepy so she slept as we thought line was coming at 12, wanted to watch movies. We waited for so long la, & mali & nana were like 'wha suju still don't want to sleep eh, i know your sleepy la'. Hah, i still could stay on as i was busy texting too. We3 went to the living room & hugged inside the blanket, was so cosy & warm. I took my bra off as it was so uncomfortable & just throw it inside the blanket. When mali was reaching for something, she found this string; it was my bra! Lols, paisehh for a while la & laughed. Line didn't came at 12 so we kept on talking till 2am until everyone fell asleep, juli was sleeping on the other room. I woke them up at 9am, could have slept more but i was scared momm would be petty. So drank tea & char mee then went home. Alena's parents were coming to fetch her, so sad to see her go. No time to go Naku kola to take pictures, very nice the place. So nana went to other place, mom & i went to bank in New road. We did some shopping for a while, shit forgot to buy titora la! Headed back home, as soon upon reaching home i ran off again to meet batu the memory card. All nakalay haru ko pictures, wanted to give ride home but triple load. I was shy & went to mali's house, take the dogs for a walk. We went to eat & headed back home again as mom called me at 5 which i returned home by 7.30. She rapped again lah, her usual stuffs. Haix, line went off lucky com had batt so watched sex is zero. Sorry pal, send you guys wrong dvds its RA ehh, dont get horny. Msged batu, didn't let me sleep untill i fell alseep lah. Woke up at 4.30am to play com as we are going temple ltr at 9am. Going shopping again!, hah. Gtg now then, chao :D
PS: I keep on smiling to myself like an idiot

2009-02-03T08:48:00.000-08:00

outside ktm mall, after our neoprint shot :DD

mali & i, waiting for maggot & her parents

Grpp

at D.point restaurant for dinner with siblings

hah, both vain ass. juli e camera-woman

Here's the pictures which had been taken a week before even longer la. I had been rotting at home, couldn't wake up today la. Mom rapped like hell when i didn't want to get up lo, so fussy about these stuffs & the time was only 8am la. So she also let me rot in my bed while she & cousin went to refill water in the river or something like that. Finally at 9, i got up from my bed & hit breakfast straigh. It's funny that i didn't got hungry today morning if not i only get up when i feel hungry, fatty pig uh me. After lunch, went to bath had water in the tank after waiting for many days. Now i think about the time when i got angry cus i didn't got to bath because there was no water, hah. Sun-basked with mom & grannys outside at the veranda, i felt hungry again la. Uff, i get hungry so easily la. It was tea-time too, so went to buy milk & cooked tea. I think i might be a diabetic, have been taking too many sweet stuffs, even my drinks must be sweeten. The health here is very poor la & i'm so scared of contracting a disease la, like there's rubbish & rotten stuffs lying on the road. & there's so many bungalows houses, no HDB flat here. At 4pm, electricity came, played com & chatted with bff for a while before going hawa kanay our daily 'walk'. Juli also came my house & headed to the streets while mali went out with her mom. We did a small round & sat outside a shop, waiting for mali. Addict & gang went to play bb, how i wished they would allow us to play too la but the guys scarey. He came & sat with us while juli was chasing him away as people might think bad about us two, he didn't go away & waited along with us. It was getting pretty dark when mali finally came, her mom saw us with the guys. She just reminded us about the guys & not to hang out with crooks lo. I saw my gangster & i learnt that he was already married la, uff. Still got gangster.1, hah he really looks like a addict & like gangster.2 bro. The 3of us went for another round of walk & these guys came forward asking for.. We were so shocked & tried to ignore them. The VR makes lots of noise, one day shall ride in it, mali rode in it today la. I'm scared to go on it too as its super speed. Hah, came home late from walk again & mom was angry as family was eating dinner, wth it was only 7.30. Thought line will be off by 8 but its until 12, yay can play cus bro is having sch tmr. Hais, i don't know which sch to decide for. It's been 3hours straight since i sat to play net & my backs aching now. Think i better ciao to sleep now, whole family is sleeping soundly too. :DD

PS; Mom don't scare me, pls

2008-05-26T01:06:00.000-07:00

Woah, sweet 16 were so great!
First was jasmi's on the 21st, HAPPY belated baby! Thanks for the wondeful patry, be good to your parents.
Then Nancy's on the 23rd, Happy belated mummmy. I hope i made you proud & happy, merah papa will take you away before i do.
I enjoyed & had fun, main reason was that exams were over & have to study real hard from now onwards!
I was a little down on omoni's birthday, sorry. Hey, but even though i was having those headches, i got up & danced! My fever was also gone la.
I hope mummy liked the swatch & dress, i love you.
The MYE results were great enough to disappoint me.
I don't even want to say my L1R4 agg, it's so shameful.
I'm starting with my a-math first, trying to improve on my math first then other sub.
HAHA, i'm so happy.
Chao

PS: I thought it was over,

2008-05-20T02:31:00.000-07:00

Finally done with jeni's birthday.
It was hell awesome lah, i danced like crazy!
Thanks jeni for the wonderful party even though your CD was a problem that night.
Had total fun!
Friends, THANK YOU so much!
It was supposed to be a surprise, but my brother spoilt it; arrgh.
Haa, I'm so happy & i just can't wait for jasmi's party tmr!!!
But this stupid PMS is killing me like hell now, thinking how to dance tmr?
Double feeling.
PS: Double me, double problems.
Bye

2008-05-10T19:40:00.000-07:00

Once again, HAPPY sweet 16 HIMALI baby!
& jeni, a belated SWEET 16 from mum. You're loved.
Best wished darling.
Thanks himali for the wonderful party, haa.
Had a blast! Stay happy & don't sulk on your birthday (:
EXAMS have ended!!!
HAHA

PS: Somehow i'm having that feeling again.

2008-05-09T03:26:00.000-07:00

Somehow i'm never going to be good enough, for you & for everyone.
Sorry for my spoilt behaviour 080508, i really wanted to cry that morning.
I felt i never had it enough & it didn't felt fair to me.
& with that feeling, i'm sure to grumble & throw tantrums.
I will never grow up, never.
For it seems, i feel happier this way & everthing is like a reality.
I feel so scared that i will fall, once i fall; i will never be able to get up.
I always saw this 'imaginery guy' in my dreams, he seems so real.
So far i haven't encounter him yet.
I just realize that some disappointments could be in store for me.

PS: He conquered my entire heart.

2008-04-29T04:41:00.000-07:00

Happy birthday 3004, BABY (:

Posing when the wind was blowing, right timing.

Yes, i was left stranded here by myself.

Went to play a fool right after english paper, 2804

Not forgetting, Happy birthday Hafiz & belated son-in-law Birhang A.C.E :]

Soon in a day's time, it's going to by mine.

Been waiting for a phone call, i hope mum will call.

I just chated with brother ystd, he's been the same except for his shouting.

You don't have to worry to be alone.

I could feel that mum's worried for me, being here alone yet she wants me to be independent.

The hopes she have for me, i'm going to crush it by myself.

English paper was 'i don't know' kind, i'm darn worried at this instant!

I know it will never help me but still i will pray before i go to bed just to seek his blessing.

After eng paper, we went to serangoon & did some stuffs before eating.

My nose seems blowing cus it's painful on the underside, i hit it twice accidently.

Oh my, since 10 from the morning i have been trying to read my SS notes but i just don't seem to memorise anything.

I'm so dead lah, arrgh! Why dosen't my head or rather the brain seem to understand me?

The essays are so killing me right this moment & i came online to seek relaxation.

So far i read up only 5 essays, excluding the northern ireland conflict.

I'm just going to gamble on it, the blame's still on me.

& what's more, my sec3 bio file was thrown away. I don't know how i'm going to do tmr's bio paper.

My senses are not woken up, i feel numb all over.

You feel like laughing but end up crying, where's your laughter?

PS: Seems it's going to lonely yet again.

2008-04-12T23:31:00.000-07:00

This is my sister, tana laxmi.

Happy new year 2065, nepali calendar.

Slept quite late last night, been searching for an answer throughly.

Kept messaging people, so i could preoccupy myself with something so as well not to bore myself.

I didn't feel like sleeping yesterday, knew i was going to have another nightmare.

True indeed, saw myself crying in my dream; at that point my heart felt crushed.

I don't know why but i always see strange dreams, is this the point where my life's going to end?

Friday, award presentation day seemed great; maybe it's the last year ending for us.

I enjoyed myself very much & we got to watch the performance!

I was looking forward for that, but found that it was quite a bore.

When i reached home, i fall flat on my bed but eventually got up to bath.

Thought couldn't wake up in the morning for Red-cross enrolment ceremony but i did.

Waited for ras to come & went together, was pretty late aldy.

Only the sec 1 & us came, others were hardly seen on this occassion.

After the ceremony, went for lunch & give out goodie bags for the lower-income people at jalan besar.

Spent like 3/4 hr travelling on the bus to took us to the place & i urgently needed the toilet.

The houses look so scarey & dark, at first i was scared to even knock & my group people seldom talked.

After this even we went home, i had stuffs to buy. Spent 50 bucks on foods, aunt's sure to scold me.

Well, Grandma passed away 08/04. Yes, i know that mum's crying millions & millions of tears.

Who knew it would mark the end of her life, & i'm awaiting for mine's.

I tried to contact dad several times but failed. Maybe i'd better wait for a better time cus mum would be crying half the time talking to me.

The funeral was held ystd where i couldn't eat anything thats got to do with meat & salt.

Ofcus, i was craving for foods. I tried to be good & drank fluids only.

My stomach bloated like hell lah. Tana & i went to her house to watch golmaal, was very hilarious.

In the film, there even had our names; laughed like hell lot. Count ourselfs lucky, her aunt was out.

When the sun set, i got to eat my things!

Haa, aunt had cooked momo to celebrate NY with others.

I ate plenty, my stomach was grumbling. Then i did a reflection & went to bed.

PS: What would you do if you were the one falling down?

[SUGIE]

2008-04-05T19:06:00.000-07:00

It seems like, everything was a lie.
That part i can't accept it because it seems hard.
I realised i'm getting more narrow-minded, easily agitated & worn-out.
I don't know where i stand & each day i'm made to frown, temper rising.
It gives me a feeling like i'm transparent & yet i'm so blur.
You had your fun & when i want it, i don't have a right.
A world that has gone very wrong for me, she's right it's so unfair.
There's so much to do & all i can do is to worry what's going to happen next, i never helped myself.
Missed little things & i can't help it. Spending more money each day.
This com broke down for almost a month & i was so bored locked up in my room.
I don't know why i do not have the mood to study or at least read, hopeless.
But the past week were great, had lots of inter-house & tournment lately.
We drew with East view sec 4-4, won Bedok South sec 9-0 & tmr is the final with Bedok Town.
I'm pinning all my hopes on gladys, anita, nancy, Jeni & diyana to take as many shots as possible.
Well the first game with EV, i let in 3 goals in & i never wanted to be a defender again.
I'm trying there but i'm scared when my opponement comes near me & i tend to give up easily.
Uff, this feeling kills me. I hope i do a good job tmr, i really want to enter the next round; infact everyone of us do!
Ok, the Netball interhouse started & wtf i felt like a totaly blank sheet of wall.
It was boring standing there & there were boundaries as to where we can only move.
I don't think i would go tmr to play, floorball comes first.
The sports day was so great but i never thought our class would be the Champ.
We won the class with the highest participation.
We won the sec 3/4 Champion
& we were the OVERALL CHAMPION!
Laxmi & i were shocked la, her expression makes me laugh when i remember it.
We were all working hard together for this & actually made it, i was happy to see everyone so untied that day.
The class t-shirt were a last-minute decision & many people were unhappy about it, varying from sizes to design.
But still on the actual day, everyone wore with a smile on it & that assured me!
The way they cheered for me when i was running 400m, made me realised that part.
But i came in third, i know it was a bit bad & i knew i wouldn't come 2nd nor 1st.
Okay, the whole thing was super fun with great feelings.
4E2, all the way!

PS: The whole thing was a lie

2008-04-05T18:53:00.000-07:00

I swore an oath to never look back
Every time i walk away, the feeling
of hysteria takes control of me.
An obscured fault thats made to swallow,
with the force of aggression & sharp pain

Conflicts & vendetta were vague,
but let the screaming be heard.
Waking up each morning with a worn-out face,
last night seemed a nightmare &
Everyone was so far away

Made to stand alone & kept on waiting,
I couldn't endure for too long.
Oh mother nutured & stood by my side,
but still i couldn't accept the fact.
Mood swings started to kill me gradually

Eventually, i realised all my hope were
well & truly gone. It never ended in a
triumph for me. A nostalgia feeling
where changes had no tangible effects.
For in my own absence, i was lost.

PS: Tears slowed & creased to fall together, the harder it gets.
[SUGIE]

2008-03-01T06:38:00.000-08:00

Even if i ever neglect, i still won't let go.

Days have gone by crying,

& i'm still here by myself.

Seemingly true but notthing is,

for fun thats etch to my heart.

Those bloody days were enough for the bad times,

& i never felt any better.

If you only knew loneliness,

you wouldn't have failed to realised that part.

I don't ever want to recover from this iliness,

somehow it acts to my companion.

My brain getting washed by the dirt,

& i never got it cleaned.

Failed to be myself after sometime,

& the drug was of no use.

I never ever could get that part out of me.

PS: I felt as heavy as i was sunk into the dept ocean.

2008-02-22T23:25:00.000-08:00

GEE (:

HAPPY SWEET 16 ANITAbaby, i love your lips.

Oh, anita's sweet 16 sure rocked like hell. We were much earlier than the earlier sweet 16s, haa. We went shopping for her pressies last minute & skipped red-cross. It was so difficult to find the perfect present for her. In the end, we went up & down the shop for many times & it was really like a nuisance to the shop-owner. I was kinda fed up too as i was really tired & i couldn't find my charles & keith sandals & ended up buying another. That heels really killed my foot but i was much taller, hah. So we just bought her a dress, shades, a silver necklace & ripcurl wallet. I hope she liked it all cause we really tired our best to find her the perfect one. & i really liked her dress! While shopping some of us did our own shopping too, haa especially me. We reached home around 7.30 & waited for sagar to come & report to the gate for Li yang. I don't know why there were some problems & it took much longer. I was so frustrated & hungry & the uncles there created even a bigger problems. I don't know why GC is so fucking strict now, just bouncing a basketball is a HUGE problem to the head. At this rate, we are sure bound to get into more serious troubles & i don't care cause it's a complete change & we can't adapt. It's just some foolish & crappy rules that we must obey if not our fathers will suffer. Worst of all, installed cameras to view my fucking vagina. Hais, finally li yang got a pass & he entered. Anita called me & was petty about this things cause we going to end up late at the cake-cutting ceremony. I quickly ran to home & put on the cheongsam. It was a chinese dress code for sugie, hee. WTF, i lost my chopstick in the middle of dancing, how to eat my noodles today. I couldn't dance as my stomach hurt because of the spicy food. Still the whole party rocked! Anita; thankyou.

Chao

PS:You know what, i'm starting to have all sorts of signs again

2008-02-20T03:18:00.000-08:00

Time is taking back everything i used to have, i've become this bare.

I didn't held my head up the grey sky,

gloomy & dark as it appeared

I felt something struck upon me.

Betrayed by the words once again,

living with empty promises every day,

I lived in vain.

My apology for making an outcast,

It didn't occur to me.

I know i didn't cared until the last.

All i ever saw was the lies,

blinded by the ties,

For a moment to never forget.

I don't need an answer to ease me,

I won't take back my words,

just to make it right,

Cause each time it's worthless

making a choice. It seems like

decade have passed by not smiling.

Pity for the time where i had to

stand alone, enving kids with

full of happiness.

PS: For a moment to end, it takes decade.

2008-01-16T02:39:00.000-08:00

Just when i let go, you start to walk all over me again.

ARRGH, school is like so boring these few days & i get tired easily. I don't want to fall asleep in class lah, now that i'm left with notthing. How am i going to tell things that i lost tons of my stuffs, seriously it sucks. I'm most angry with mum, partly it's my fault too cause i was kept post-ponding to pack my tuffs too. Dammit, what am i supposed to do & i don't really have the urge to study. I'm like losing my mind any moment, don't have the energy to get high in class only when school ends. Today, i'm so confirmed i screwed my math & chem paper. Stupid, i slept & never studied even a page. I'm so worried that i'm going to disappoint my parents. Speaking of them, i honestly missed them little. Cause they never call & i also forget that i used to have parents. Sister's wedding is on the 20th & my one year anniversary with dodo is on the 21st. I'm so excited & sad cause i couldn't get to go & celebrate. Brother sweet 18 just passed by, 14th jan. I have this fucking cough & flu for like a week now & seriously it sucks! I have to take this filthy salt water for my cough. I'm using like one whole tree of tissue paper for this idiot flu. & if you only thought i'd like playing the mute. Gosh, sec4 already, have like loads of upcoming tests. Sort of freaking me out now, don't know what's gonna happen in O's. Partly blame me for spreading my virus to renu, i know i have my fault there but did i know i had it? I love Chiodos songs. You wouldn't know what loneliness is about once you're alone. I want to make it up to you but just i don't get the chance. Sorry, i have all sorts of imagination & dreams. I just like playing but you prove me wrong, where do i stand? This is probably the best of my life right now, falling beneath of others & letting them walk all over. Don't make me shed for the last. I don't want to listen to anyone, it just seems that somethings wrong. You make it sound so obvious i'm in the wrong, i'm losing my faith. I'm like suffering a fate more worse than death forget all the good times but soon this is going to pass & everything will repeat again, it always been like this. Ouh ya, i bought a new floorball stick, Raw 26. I nearly cried when i wasn't allowed to buy, it meant passion & life. Gosh, i suck at this.

PS: Forget each other names & just walk away, like you never knew each other at all.

Chao

2008-01-06T04:30:00.000-08:00

21 nov, returning back & the hardest goodbye.

With the eldest brother.

The big buddha

Thats me & uncle behind my parents, if you see carefully.

My sister-in-law

Step-cousin

Nephew (:

taking a rest, sigh*

At The Peak, with parents <3

At the temple, gone for praying.

My holiday in HK but most of the pictures are with dad.

Chao

2007-12-21T03:13:00.000-08:00

This is probably the best days of my life. I have no idea how i got infected with chicken pox! Fuck lah, i can't go jani's sweet 16. & i really want to slit my throat with a knife. It's darn painful that i can't even swallow my saliva. I suspect it's pneumonia, i'm like still lazy to go to the doctor. Last night, i came down with even heavier temperature that i couldn't sleep well. I woke up around 4 plus & saw 4 sms. Anita & i just chat for a while. What the hell, that girl was playing com early morning. So i just walk to the kitchen & wet a towel for my burning head. Mum had called me around 6.30 plus, 20 dec. I scolded the minute she phoned me, i was angry the whole afternoon waiting for her call. I complained everything to her lah. I'm so sick of staying at home just watching tv & there's hardly any nice shows that's screening. Then again, why of all the people i have to get this stupid chicken pox? I feel angry not being able to go out & have fun. Why do i always have to get get sick during every holidays. I feel it's so unfair. Ystd mummy called, i was so eager to tell her i got chicken pox. Instead she scolded me of my sore throat, she forbides me to eat anything sweet. Then i complained to her how horrible i looked, like a monster. Dad, sis & bro went to Dharan(think so) so mum is all alone. Priya & i chit-chat for a while, she came outside my house. At first she didn't want to get near me but still sat quite near. Omfg, she told me her stories which made me laugh! Darn, she was so funny lah. I'm still very bored here.

Chao

2007-12-19T04:47:00.000-08:00

Anita & my ice-cream

ouhh ?

Like couples on first date ?

Nadu& nana

Ystd we went to swensens with Mr oei, obviously he paid for the whole thing. He was waiting outside the bartley gate & we were late. Getting into the car was a difficult one & poor anita ended up sitting up on alena's lap. I was laughing through out lah, it was so funny. I couldn't sit on each others lap cause i was wearing a skirt. I was feeling a little giddy, a sick person still could come out of the house. I was seeing two visions, my eyes felt so heavy but i still wanted to get out of the house. Soon we arrived at Thomson plazza & went in. We obviously grabbed a little attention with nancy around. Well i couldn't really ate that much & i couldn't finish my foods. I didn't mean to waste the food but my taste was bitter. But how did anita & i ate the ice-cream. It was cold & cute from outside cause can like bbq the marshmallow. Nancy burnt it & the smell was strong, haha. At one time, my fingers were really cold that it went numb. I was scared as i felt pain too. Anita rubbed my hands for me, thanks. We look for our dresses around & it cost bombs for such see-through dress. We tour around upp pierce & saw monkeys along our car & some were taking pictures, i couldn't be bothered. We had fun in the car laughing & ridding along the humps. We then proceeded to AMK Hub for fun. I don't know for how long we kept going to the same shops. Then we bought some cards for our loved ones. I still don't know what to give him? It's super late but i hope he will understand. I was feeling weak by then & i wanted to go home. I don't know what happened when i came home. My coin purse was missing with my black 8G iPod nano, some coins & the key for my locker. My heart even hurts alot more now. It jammed for twice & for it's thrice it was meant to be lost. I don't know where the hell i lost it, maybe in the bus when i doze off with my bag wide open but i didn't heard any sound when it dropped. I couldn't possibly lose it in the mall. I met my bro on msn & he scolded me too. I bet he's going to tell mum. & i asked him to pass so many msg to mum. I hope he did just what i told him. So before going to bed, i took my tep; it was 38.6 deg again. I was shivering the whole night & it came down this morning but it seems it acted up again. My throat hurts alot, i can't swallow & my taste buds turned bitter. I think mum called me in the noon but i was busily watching ''Once upon a time in high school''. I didn't heard my fone ring, arrgh! Mum, i'm so dying to talk either of you. Pls call back soon, till now i'm still waiting for your call. I learnt a lesson, never carry anything valuable & keep my Hp by my side.

Chao

2007-12-10T21:06:00.000-08:00

High school gangsters, lol.

Nita, taking pictures of nature.

She took this, beautiful. Jeni, the photographer.

Nikon D40x

10 dec, Nadu Padu; Jana

Sabrina & priya

Priya fell down after this photo was taken, haha

Dipa, way to go mama.

Jeni wawa

Syazwi

Alena

Renu the swinging arms!

i forget how to spell his name, sorry Stessen

Tamil Nadu, nancy

SUGIE doing yoga using the bowl.

& a way to go

Nadu & co.

Both are indians

erms, she's also an indian

again the co.

Swinging arms & i at christmas

She wanted to play with me so i wanted to kiss her !

Ystd we went to Orchid Country club to play bowling. Everyone came late & poor zul had to wait for more than an hour. It was based on the Sing-Malaysian sgs campers only & we invited priya all along as they taught the dance; Tenu Leke. We reached the place & it seemed fully booked, so we just waited for a while. We bought our shoes first & got 2 lanes. Everyone gave us a stare as we were making so much noise & it was the first time for some of us. Everyone had shot already & it was priya's turn. We didn't expected anything & i was there taking pictures when she suddenly bowl so hard that she fell down. Everyone laughed aloud & some of the people also saw the incident. Poor thing, it was her first ever time. We had a good laugh lah. & jeni could shot the pins down, 0 all the way until she started improving for Alif's sake. Alena striked twice no doubt about stessen. He was the best among us. Renu was so funny, whenever she bowl, she must swing her left hand. Maybe the ball was too heavy for her & she got the lowest points, even jeni beat her. Zul & i also competed but he was much better than me. My first shot, the ball got stucked at my thumb & it bounced, it was quite embarrasing lah. We just had 2 games & went to eat. We were supposed to go Vivo but lack of time. Alena & i ate buddy meal, it was wonderful. On the way back, we took some pictures. & i really had a good laugh. & ouh ya, i pierced my nose too. I got a good scolding from my aunt as i pierced at the wrong place.

chao

2007-12-08T06:08:00.000-08:00

MOE Changi, where we slept; took it past midnight. First night, dogs were barking.

With the so called 'jackie chan's bro, haha. Looks exactly if you up close. PINKY on far right!

My group picture, FAITHFUL; Instructor Idris.

Afiquah, my buddy with Adibah from Tampiness sec & WEi Li Honey from Yishun Town sec.

After 5 days 4 nights, finally at SGS back again.

Before heading back home with Instructors Idris & Adi.

The fourth night where we spent taking pictures with one another.

My SEXY back buddy, Clarence from Yishun Town sec.

Loved, Missed.

ADIBAH baby <3

Marvin & erms, i forget

Faiz, the one immature. Hah, from Yishun Town sec.

I'm back from HK & my longest camp. I didn't really elaborate on that. Well it was really fun but i was tired by the end of my trip. My uncle, step cousin & auntys really doted on me esp uncle. He is a very tall man who walks super fast, it's very difficult to catch up with him. I was quite lonely lah, with my parents. The places we went to were beautiful & i liked the weather cause it was chilly not warm. I had to sleep with my cousin for lack of rooms, haha. Disneyland was was even more chilly up on the hills, Cindrella so georgeous! At the 7th day, we were rushing to pack our luggages. & dad pissed me off as he drank too much till his leg was in pain. I was angry at him for drinking too much. But it went well. I hate to step in the plane ever again. I'm scared lah, but to reach my parents i will. 13 nov-21 nov

We didn't sleep all night as we were excited. Anita, alena, anayas, renu & priya overnight at my place. We watched korean movies & cried at the same time as it was very romantice & touching. It was funny watching anita & priya crying. My brother & friends felt hungry & we ordered Macdonal late at 3am. My eyes were swollen & i was hyper, i didn't sleep a wink that night. 4am i took a shower & put on my clothes & headed to alena's house with her. We were going to the airport to send my family off. Around 6am we waited for the people going nepal & boarded the bus. Many families were there to send us off. We reached the airport & bro disgrace me, he shouted like mad. I only could walk off with my head lowered, lol. Dad was very anxious & panicky, he is always like this. Bro friends were there too but i knew no one. 8am they had to board in, i followed mum till the gate. Finally she cried, i couldn't do anything. Dad didn't cried neither did bro & sis. We were behind the glasses & watched till they went off. & i shed for the first time infront of the crowd. I was choking on my emotion, i wanted to stay strong. Bro friends were beside us & when i saw them cry, i felt pitiful. They were crying but i was holding back. When sis & mum waved back at me, i swear i wanted to leave with them. & they were gone. We ate breakfast at Mac & dad called to say they were taking off. I had no words & he asked me to assure bro's friends not to cry. Alena & i headed back to school for A.math. I was very tired by then & i fell asleep i class. Sorry i couldn't help it. I was in my sleep when i was scribbling when Mr.oei was saying in class. I woke up at around 12.40 & looked at my paper, it was hilarious. I don't know what i scribbled in the paper, lol. 29 nov

The 5 day camp was super fun! It was the first time where i interacted with other people, i swear. At first it was hard knowing them, was a bit shy to open up but gradually we opened up. The first day we went to kampong glam, it was tiring & boring. Later part then we went to Orchard Rd & ate our dinner at Lucky Plazza. We always stick to our buddy. The 2nd day we did our Kayak orientation, bath after that & headed to chinatown then to Night safari. I partner with azfar & he sat infront as he was smaller than me. We nearly capsized at first & was difficult to kayak as we couldn't control but Instructor Marvin was there to guide. When we came ashore, i was yelling 'help' for fun & idris came to the rescue. Haha, nolah i was being dramatic but he & azfar carried the kayak & i was free. The Tribal dance was so energetic & i was so attracted. There were a few school from japan & the guys were kawaii. The 3rd day we were supposed to do our kayak expedition but it poured heavily so we couldn't do! I was heartbroken, hah. But we got a afternoon nap, i quickly ran to my dorm & fell asleep. The fourth day we did our rockclimbing only due to weather change again! I was so angry that we didn't get to do Zip-line & abseiling but we got to do improvised rafting. We were given 45mins to create our raft that could float on the sea. We were a bit slower than other group & couldn't really finished on time. We carried our raft to the sea & i got to go twice. When we came back with our raft the second time, the right barrel came off; we laughed our ass off. It was so funny lah. We prepared for the campfire, by the time the show started i was feeling unwell. I didn't ate my dinner which jana ate for me. But my group stood by me & assured me not to give up. We performed a skit & advertistments where i had to do the M1 mumbai ad. The campfire was so fun but i was sick. We took pictures with our Malaysian friends as well as the local friends. We had time till 2am but we overshot. You could say everyone were sleepwalking. The next day i was well again, maybe it my sick had to do with cold. We had a mass singing where everyone made a big circle & hold hands & sang. It was so touching & sad lah, i couldn't shed. Then we had to go round & shake hands. Everyone was like crying & i didn't want to see their faces. When it came to my instructor, he was crying & i hugged him. It was so sad lah & i hugged everyone. I miss Pinky, he made me cry as well as my instructor Idris. We ran behind their buses, crying. Soon we too had to go off, we bid the instructors goodbye. 3 dec - 7 dec

I've been feeling lonely after parents were gone. They never called me till the third day where i made the move. I was mad at them but when i heard mum's voice, i nearly breakdown. It was tough living by myself in a new place. I felt like i was all alone, by myself. I had to hand wash all my clothes, my finger nails are long & i don't want to cut. It's uncomfortable living under someone. How i wished now that i never got used to my parents pamper. I do notthing all day, just sit in my room & fall asleep. It's difficult, one word.

PS: I feel like crying as i feel like i've lost something, i miss my malaysian friends!

Chao

2007-09-11T04:28:00.000-07:00

CHEERS everyone!

Coach Em, We love you <33

Still loving coach, hah.

The shy babe, Emily (:

She's not angry though she looks like it.

Coach Emily's cake. ''Coach emily, you rock our sticks. We'll miss you'', msg.

Today was such a tiring day, I didn't even knew i was alive after i woke up cause of the deep sleep.

The rashes are so itchy that i can't resist the temptation.

I was so sleepy in the bus & it started raining heavily with strong winds.

The day was going to be cool. We had P.E. & took our own time to walk into the hall when Mr Lee came.

We played dogeball against the boys, it's physically the boys stronger than the girls.

The balls they threw were very hard & we screamed alot.

Had math & went into a new chpt which i'm trying to understand better.

Slowly i will get it with the help of others.

Chemistry test was tmr & we didn't knew it cause everyone was saying it was today.

I studied real hard for it & memorise by heart but i think i forget it now.

I have difficulties with the solubility table & state symbol but somehow i managed to understand a little.

Talked alot during mother tongue about girls stuffs & people.

Lucky we didn't had accounts today & i dread it not because i hate the subject.

I was looking forward for floorball training cause i missed coach.

These few days, i had been thinking about her & who'll be the new coach.

Cause i really can't bear to let her go & she going to Finland for like half a year.

She's the best coach & she will always be & i still want her to coach after she come.

We gave her a farewell card & a cake. We had to go across the street to get it & have it ordered.

The bakery people were very kind, they offered to bake it for us cause there were still 4 more hours to go & we begged the aunty.

Ms chng went to claim it while we were running around in the hall.

Everything was planned last minute but it turned out well.

Anyway everyone was loving it & so many 'bluetoothing' were turned on.

I miss coach!

& i'm so hating for the campfire, regrets only.

I have yet to come up with the script & costume & i have no time left, i'm so dead.

Hah, i wish i can get to sleep & there's no time for sleeping too.

Still i screwed my A.Math test for Linear law + Circles, made that bloody mistake even though i knew what to do. ARRGH!

There's no more chance & i'm the only one left behind in the shelf.

Maybe that's only the worries i have to be left out or alone.

I have no mood to study & what's the use of studying when i can't pick up what's being teached.

I have so many things to say but when you don't look me in my eyes makes me forget about my words.

A small trigger can cause unhappiness, like last time or maybe he have forgetton about it already.

Forget last time, Cherish the future.

Fuck

Chao (:

2007-09-08T06:08:00.000-07:00

wees, group picture. Sorry alena, anita & laxmi you guys are being cut.

SUGIE is an old ah granny!

Jeni in her pri sch spec, while alena & i are big time nerds.

& here too, geeks get the boys. I love this glass (:

Hees, you can see my new phone here.

WTF, today was extremly tiring & a busy day.

Laxmi woke me up in the morning 0535hrs, i was kinda pissed cause i was wanting to wake at 6.

I got ready & settled down at 6.30 which i didn't know i was the last to arrive. Jana couldn't make it & the rest were on time.

It started to rain & i bought an umbrella from ystd incident.

I was so angry at mum & i yelled at her in front of so many people for making me walk in the rain.

I was really so hot-headed that i ignored her several times only after i cooled.

Back to the top, anita,laxmi,alena & i took a taxi to AMK sec cause we were already late & not in our red-cross uniform.

What a stupid taxi driver we met but he wasn't exactly that bad, he said nepalease girls were ugly.

Ya, the word ''UGLY'', but he was cracking jokes on the way too.

How stupid, he bought us to Pierce sec instead of AMK sec but we made in time & hurried to change.

I say the sec toilet is not clean & very few cubicles.

Laxmi saw an cockroach crawling up in the ceiling & it dropped onto the floor.

My heart drop to the floor, screamed like hell & was the first to ran off to the door. From that, i was even scared to go to the toilet.

We did public speaking & it was so tiring, going door to door explaining to people about first-aid at home.

I was very tired after completing half the blk & had another blk to finish.

We slack a bit & didn't completed the task on time & we went off.

We went to AMK hub waited for the rest of the crew to pop up, jeni was on time.

Anita took time buying her contact, she looked like an ang moh-chinese.

To kill the time in Spectacle Hut, we tried on many glasses taking pictures & the people were looking at us & felt paiseh.

It was 4pm & we headed for Youth park, *scape.

We kinda got lost in the place of our work & made one big round around the YMCA building.

It was even hilarious when alena mistook an ex-schoolmate of our pri sch.

The girl looked exectly like jeni's friend & alena went off like a mad woman ''HEY, hey shivani''.

The poor girl just turned her, took a notice of her & went off without saying anything.

Actually it was me who said it was jeni's exmate, lols & alena took my words.

Cause the situation was so damn gas-laughing, we laughed our asses off the roads.

That girl might think we were making fun of her but it was alena who lost her face.

Still couldn't find the place we took a bus ride to there.

Finally reached around 4.30 & we looked around for clothes, mostly printed tees.

Well alena & i were planning to buy couple tees but bought singles' tees, heh.

Most of us bought more than 2 & jeni regretted buying the red tee but i promised to buy if it does not fit her.

We went to Long John & some of us wanted KFC, go shaw house but quarreled in the road making 'traffic points'.

So went to the nearest LJS cause some of us were dying without any lunch & breakfast.

We then headed to Far East in search for my Supergirl costume but to fat hope lah.

We only saw Wonderwoman like a swimsuit, so revealing.

Few complain of tired & headache meant time for home, ya was a long way back.

Passed by Lucky Plazza & saw Hafiz! Long lost workmate, he's back in PH after mariah's shift to Bishan.

Met him & told him, i'm taking a break in the mean time. Azmie is still in, besties.

At the taxi stand, saw Mac & Faizal too.

I was GAG, i wanted to avoid but took the chance lah.

Went to talk to him & blahblah etc & send me off to the bus-stop which he'd always do after work too.

Faizal uncle was still the same & there was notthing to talk about.

The fact mac was standing so close to me made my darlings so scared that they like screamed & asked me to go bit far from him.

& i asked for jana's floorball stick too, same cca.

Then they went off to centerpoint for help workers & were slacking only.

Went home & were seperated cause mums were yagging at each one of our phones except mine.

I bought stickers, hee cause i love them.

Shit, tmr still got tutor & i'm so dead scared cause i haven't completed my homework.

I still have a long script to come up with & a costume, so pressed for time.

FYE is only like 2weeks away & i don't know what i will write in the exam papers.

I'm so secrewed!

I just hope ryan won't lose his patient tmr while teaching cause i have a tendeancy to forget things very quickly.

I got a new phone too & dad still haven't bought me the sim card, hurry!

currently using bro's.

I have allergys on upper lip cause it's very dry after the air-conned room, legs & fingers.

It's like so itchy & i couldn't find time to run off to a nearby clinic.

I guess i have to resist the itchy tempetation, but not that serious.

Chao (:

2007-08-27T03:55:00.000-07:00

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO THE GIRL BESIDE ME, ALENA (:

& to ERNIE, happy sweet 15 xP.
It's been four days since i last touch my com. So many things happened within these period of time lahs. The last friday teacher's sport heat(something like that), was so fun & exciting. I didn't felt like going red-cross & Ms Iswari didn't let us go. I was so mad at the thought, i wanted to run away. Mr arman also injured himself very badly that day, i had to support his leg & he couldn't move it. It was darn serious & we didn't know what to do & called the ambulance. Later, we ate dinner cause we helped here & there & went home after it striked 8.30pm. I had to call off tution again & i think ryan is irrated by now. Calling every friday's night & i couldn't reach him that night & i panicked cause saturday morning we had flag day. Lucky he called back around 10 & changed it to sunday. Flay day was so arrgh! It was my first time doing this & i really didn't want to do it cause no one could be bothered. We went to Orchard & saw Cedar girls & 2 more schools. I think i only collected around 15bucks, that's all. After that we had NTUC Floorball carnival under 19. Ofcause we didn't win but was on luck. I don't know why my mood was so sucky! Suddenly it crash down on me & i lost my sense knowing what to do, i didn't played the games once & felt i came for fun. I was totally not feeling well & i added on to it myself, i was in the so 'annoyed' mood. Maybe it was because of my sore-throat that left me feeling hot all over. Karhoe's team was there too & he pretty scared me at first. She rubbed on it saying i won't go home alone or what. Knowing i was having mood swing, i went home with my crew & Yunxian gave me a peck on my cheek. That made me feel much more relief & happy, i could let go of my mood but i held back. We went home & i couldn't find my ez-link card, i was worried sick! I was more annoyed & felt angry but alena found it in my bag. You know the size of my bags are so huge & things always bury on each other. I want new clothes mum, let's go shopping! I'll always have something on whenever we girls of our family member arrange to go shopping together but i'm always the one backing out last minute. Life will teach me more lessons, i'm getting sleepy in class again & no i don't want to make a habit of coffees! Been overdosing on few tablets but it didn't show any sign. I wasn't feeling well ystd & ryan was also fed up with me. He forget about our lesson last sunday & it was a complete different ystd. I want to succeed but fears lack of sleep. I'm so greedy of sleep. I opened up to my baby & it felt much more better but i seemed sick. I don't know where it will lead to. Tmr we're having a friendly match with Coral sec C Boys. I hope we will win tmr, first step to success is to give your best.
I'm so tired like it is, i'm trying not to give up !
Chao (:

2007-08-21T05:23:00.000-07:00

It pains to see a flawless face
to be smashed into pieces
It hurts to touch a torn heart
to be ever mended again
It pains to lure a hopeless soul
to where it was in the first
It hurts to care for a stranger
to give up & live for notthing
It pains to watch him walk away
to be by yourself & weeping
It hurts to wait for everything
to happen & just end it all
It pains to pry what she's hinting
to at having wrong conclusion
It hurts to owe emptiness
to end up wiping your own tears
It pains to hurt their ego
to let them survive
After all, i'd survive till the end

PS: At first, i didn't feel an emotion
[SUGIE]

2007-08-20T04:02:00.000-07:00

Woos, school was okay today but more laughter & fun. Laughing & giggling away every steps i take, trying hard to memorise the phrase to score full marks not wanting to fail ever again. The weather so cool, i almost lost control of myself. Friends aside making me burst out laughing like a witch, like i never ever laugh that hard before. Though the day was great, i didn't like the taste of it too well probably i was faking it. I loved it when jana piggyback me in accounts period where the teacher was missing. I jumped onto her feeling no fear cause she's strong enough not to let go of me. Wasted time cracking jokes & gossips instead of studying. Somehow i feel i'm wrong to act this way today cause i'm having nausea now thinking it back then. I'm feeling alright since then & i don't want it again. Rushed to the air-con room for SS where i forget the last phrase, i went blank not knowing what to do. I only conclude & passed up, the time was enough for any acts. We're going to a carnival & pretty excited over it as we're missing lesson but that's not to be happy of. Went back to class & saw teacher scolding or something, came late in class & i was reading 'impulse'. I was more blur in A.math Trigo, tried very hard understanding. & whenever someone presses me to understand, i can't. I'm so slow but in few tries i will get the idea. Isolation is what i want for now, it's complicated to say in here. Been reading impluse book by Ellen Hopkins & the thoughts written is the same which i once remembered. The words she describe are the words i've been wanting to find all these while & no such thing ever happened after i started believing. I wanted to sore high up one day only to find myself back on the ground. I want to get rid of the thoughts i've in my mind for so long, wanting to forget the past which i can't cause it keeps repeating over the next days. I try to live with it but i found myself to be selfish which i find it hard for me to change into someone better. To protect the heart, i abandoned myself & lived with it, but i'm going to find it back again. Why is that i find myself more boring than ever, not talking too much, not listening to what others are saying? Half of me is dead, the other half of me wants to strive forward but i just can't do it. Maybe i was in the wrong in the first place & even now, i may be wrong; not correcting my mistakes. I hate talking & i want to wander off in my own pace, but i found i'm lagging behind others. Maybe because of the emptiness in my heart, i end up wiping my own tears & i don't know how to save myself which i landed my ownself in the first place. I'm fine if you treat me fine. I can't help people in need & it pains to see others suffer. For me, it always been treat others right then they will treat you right. I wish i could offer some help but i can't even take care of my ownself which is shame. I've been doing lot of thinking lately which left me little mute than before & i'm beginning to think of others around me. Mum's words went into my head & there's still dad. I often used to get angry with them for not understanding me & used them to vent my anger via verse. They still don't have an idea of what i may be doing in the middle of night & they won't give a pop in the room. I used to like it when mum used to stay whole night looking after me when i was sick. Suddenly, i was somehow reminded of my childhood. When i was a kid, i used to think it was alright for mum to beat me cause dad said it might put some sense into me. I didn't even retreat when she beat me till the plastic hanger was broken into two, i only kept crying then. I was very naive the way mum brought me up & still i am & i don't know why i'm writing all these. But now, i will fight her back, i don't want to be her puppet. Hiyah enough, i'm so out-dated! I'm enjoying myself now, heh. I've been having heart pains again & i don't know what sickness is that. It keeps throbbing my heart feeling acute pain now & then. & HAPPY BIRTHDAY JESSICA

Chao (:

2007-08-19T02:39:00.000-07:00

Hah, it was a freaking match ystd which Mr wee signed us up in the ITE Simei. We won Swiss cottage 2-1, but our play was so sucks lah! I was still asleep, i couldn't run & coach kept saying not to block viji. I only wanted to cut across to be in the centre & shoot, but i still couldn't maybe i didn't get used to my new team. I knew i suck but i still couldn't wake myself up cause these few months there's only nervousness in me. The second game with Bukit Merah were much better & my right hand went numb, i couldn't control my hand. I was pretty scared as this was the second time it happened to me, maybe there's problem with my muscle deep down. Ms Chng rubbed for me & took my wrist band off, i was much better & tried to score but i still couldn't cause i couldn't receive her passes. Eva was a great team member too, she helped in the team. We lost 1-2. The third game with Northbrooks were greatly better as we were all running but couldn't shoot on target. Still the score was 2-1, we could have won. We went to TM food court & ate something, i wanted to eat everything. & we did lah, ice-cream to etc by then i couldn't eat cheesecake as i was super full. In the bus i fell asleep & i kept slipping from my seat, it was so irratiting. Then went to dine outside as dad was the host for 3 families. Children took a table & parents another one. It was a filling dinner & i did ate alot cause i normally can't eat alot when we're outside. Talk with my relatives & update on each other. By 9pm, my eyes were closing & the food was not ready yet. My mum was laughing at my droopy&shaggy eyes. Sis & bro were late & i was the only one with relatives. Before going for the dinner, Mum & i had a funny cat-fight, from the 2nd storey i shouted at mum who was at ground floor cause she wore my slipper.She shouted back & some vulgar, i find it funny when she spout vulgar. I went home with my relatives & parents were still eating. I ate lots of fried chicken & pork, dad forced me to eat lah. Trying to cut down on fizzy & sweet drinks. Mum is very worried about my health now & i don't know what to do cause i've gained weight from too much meats & junk foods. Hah, i was dreading for tutor but life still has to go on. & i almost couldn't finish my works. Ryan came when i was in the toilet, he's like old ah pa. Today lesson was much better as i could understand log better & we laugh alot at my careless mistakes. He's going to rush me now & i have to be mentally prepared as i'm real slow. He laughs at my mistakes, compliments i'm slow & weak & gives me stares whenever i'm stuck. & i join in the starring game as well, lols. He gave me more work this time & i have completed 75% without making mistakes, yays! Quite happy with the work but have to be x-extra hardworking. Tmr still have Social studies test, i'm good with the memory & light game. I hope i won't have to isolate alone in a corner again, hah. Stomach-cramps & body aches, we did not do our cooling down ystd but instead played ''one touch''. Jeni taught us how to play which she learnt from sadiq & it was pretty fun like squash. Oos, i'm off to watch Goong S. I'm so in love with the Gong-Ja's !

Chao (:

2007-08-16T07:19:00.000-07:00

Pieces are raining down on me
We won't wait, We can't Believe in this or anything at all.
After What you did,
Why would I care?Why should I care?
After, the pain you caused,
why would I care? Why should I care?
I've waited for this so long,
why would I care? Why should I care?

Loneliness, sadness, and solitude
These are a few things
I've been throughWaiting for anything, everyday
Strange that you don't seem to feel the same way
Write me off, bury me and leave me for dead
Open wide, eat your words and choke on regrets

After what you did,
why would I care? Why should I care?
After the pain you caused,
why would I care? Why should I care?
I've waited for this so long,
why would I care? Why should I care?

Look Through me
Tragedy's not so bad
Remember what was lost
Taking me down and more
Take all I give to you
Go ahead and take
I honestly don't care at all
Set up and ready to fall,
Let it fall

PS: You wanted to pin me down so badly

2007-08-03T07:04:00.000-07:00

When you're left with only a bullet
I'll bring a trigger and a promise to pull it
I'll be the end of everyone who's ever entered your life
And taken pieces out of it

I'll give you enough time to regain your composure
To reconstruct a heart that's torn apart from over-exposure
I know forever isn't long enough to forget the faces
And places that played out your tragedy

Our memory defeats us all
I've touched the stagnant water and muddy walls
Of the trench where you've been sleeping
And there's nothing there worth keeping
There's nothing there worth keepingOr believing

So on the eve of the attack
We'll finger-trace the targets on their backs
And open fire
(Just hold on until they're gone)

So with this kiss I promise to
Never forget what you
Did for me, you did for me
(I felt the sun on my face for the first time,
and tasted blood on my tongue for the last.)

When you're left with only a bullet
I'll bring a trigger and a promise to pull it
I'll be the end of everyone who's ever entered your life
And taken pieces out of it

I'll give you enough time to regain your composure
To reconstruct a heart that's torn apart from over-exposure
I know forever isn't long enough to forget the faces
And places that played out your tragedy

PS:Tragedy that has taken place, forget them not

2007-07-30T05:09:00.000-07:00

Vanity strikes.

Those two who always beat & bully me in class, hah.

Okay, jana&i did it & got the reactions. We desperately tried for the 2nd one, only to find dhere's no reaction. How dumb eh ?

Woah, look ain't that alena? She's looking hot in her Primary 1 picture with a bob hair. You're cute.

Jana&I lalaing away in chem lab.

I even got the cheek to play with a gun, lucky jana's hair didn't get burnt.

Wha i don't want to march lah! I don't know how to march & i have to be the contigent IC, WTF. I'm losing face & yinkang still rubbed on it. Well he's playing & i also play along with him, red lobster. We lost to combined ITE 9-1, our first defeat. I didn't want to get defeated & more i wanted to win the best team. At the first 2 periods, we maintain the score 3-1. I thought we could atleast draw with them but when the little babes took over, we already lost to a huge score. But we all were definately loving it, lucky siva didn't scold that much & was tension during the match. Laxmi fell alot of time & there was a time where i fell down & i still could crawl to get my stick. It was funny & i felt stupid lah, i got this huge blue-black on my knee now. We bath there & met the ITE girls, some were friendly & one the girl's birthday. It was so cool, the friends celebrated for her. After a long search for a hawaker centre, we lost hope & ate at MC even though i had enough of fast foods. I was hungry & my legs starting aching, i was real tired & going to drop dead by 12. We reached home at 12 sharp & my family was just reaching home from dinning out. Lucky mum didn't had the chance to rap at me cause i quickly retired for my bed. & morning when i woke up, i only thought that 5minutes passed. I was like WTF, so fast morning must pretend sick. But mum still shoo me to sch, i was in my lazy mood but somehow i was quite early when i reach downstairs. Nancy is always the last so we went ahead. OMG, siraj wrote me a poem. I don't really know how he wrote it but it seems funny. It's just only a few weeks & he's a great buddy as well as a player. Anita don't give him false hope already, he'll be more hurt. I really admire his back-shot. But i love dodo more, it's been 3 weeks since i last saw of him. He either catchs my back or i catch his back, we always pass by without seeing each other. I swear i left blanks for my math test, i so regret it. ARRGH, why was i half-dead in class. We had english common test today & i was only aware of it this morning. & SS teacher was in a bad mood today, we all could still talk sitting at the back. I really was not interested in studying today, tired as a girl with no life, i could only go on talking. ''I'm using this stupid religion to .... Northern Ireland''. If religion was stupid, how did we got our culture. Sometimes it's better to keep shut rather than saying wrong stuffs. I was cold outside & very warm inside, i felt my blood was not flowing. Got this funny feeling & temperature kept going up&down. I hope notthing is wrong with me, i can't afford to be sick. My mum thinks i have gastric & i don't, i get this painful pains in my tummy & often feel hungry. My appetie has also increased. Been feeling temperamental lately so if you ever touch me, i don't know what will happen. Maybe because my period is coming in a few days time & feeling cramps & aching all over. Strange things always happen, wonder does it happen to anyone?

Chao (:

2007-07-08T06:02:00.000-07:00

The most exciting game i ever played, One West SuperNovas. 5 things i like about my Novas babies,1. they are so cute,2. they are better than me,3. they are fun to be with, 4. they are kids and make you happy, and last they are so united! We played against Road Warriors and it was a draw 5-5. I was very nervous at the start, i felt like vomiting. I'm really so PROUD of my babies Novas. The first period we were losing 1-4, i was not going to let them win. It was notthing at first, everyone was relaxed and took it as a warm-up. The second period was more tense, and the score was 2-5. Both scored by VIJI. RW made us fall, pushed us and got bruises. The third period, i was really not going to let them get way, make it easy for them. I want to show them the little kids could play better than them. So what if they are small, they were very good in the court especially lydia. Everyone was cheering for her when she got the ball in the centre but didn't score by an inch. The audience were on our side it was the FC Squrriels & Cornvix club. The third period was much fun & tiring. We played slowly and we really wanted to win. By then we caught up with them by 3 scores. Scored by VIJI, myself & YunXian. YX was the best part, we were only left with 7minutes and she scored. That was the part where everyone hugged each other & climb onto one another. Munira hugged me & jumped, we both fell down and she fell down on her head where FC Sq were all OMG! I picked her up & rubbed her head, cause it was my weight that made her fall. Somemore she is smaller than me, LOL. The best part of today's match was we managed to catch up with our opponent scaore by 20minutes. That's why i'm so proud of my babies & SGSians. It was made like history, we were the youngest on court. Anyways JANA won SIM(Simply Blacks) 8-1, i'm also proud of her. I heard she didn't let in any goals, that is my JANA! Next sat we are playing against SIM, i hope we don't get too excited. I'm training my best already. Viji played the best, the goals were all assisted by her & for the first time my back-shot was a pro that made viji score. Enough about today, everyone is too happy!
Chao (:

2007-04-12T07:22:00.000-07:00

Although it's near to perfect, it's hard to hold on to. I'm trying very hard to show the smiley face and mean it. Time pass by just by thinking about you, day and night. Trying to handle everything at a go but it's very messy. My room is so damn messy with my foolscape of homeworks, lying under the beds or the drawers. It is so disgusting to live in something like that, cus i can't concentrate. Well the dance did not went that smoothly as on Tuesday as there was a change of song. After the costume parade was my dance and i did not have to change back, but Ms Chng said we would have a change to traditional dance which satkar didn't know. When laxmi and i cnaged to our traditional dance costumes, he said it was our dance. I panicked alot and couldn't dance properly. The feedback received was wonderful, but it was not that perfect as we hurried too much. My mum and other aunties are coming down to the school to cook momo, our traditional food. Mid-Year is catching real soon and i have to stop all my actitives and start revision on my own as i don't think i have the time for tution. I don't think i can make it on my own but i need help and will try hard, i guess i won't give up easily. From the start i got everything wrong, as i don't really pay attention in class. Classical music is good for the ears and heart. Ouh ya, a sharp bone is like going to pierce through my skin but a slight one. My mum was quite shocked and feel it. I just feel that i have to get in terms with everyone and it won't help me if i'm always so lonely.
Chao 10.37pm

2007-04-05T05:40:00.000-07:00

It's too perfect until it's hard to recognise the mistakes. When i'm asleep, i'm saying my prayers and hoping that god is listening. I wake up in the middle of the night to find myself crying. My brother is super irrating! That's the reason why we sibling don't communicate, it's difficult and we treat each other like strangers. So i just treat it like i'm the only child. I don't know the reasons. Why is everyone acting so strangely? I guess the impact have hurt them too much. Hold on tight, wait for tomorrow and you will be alright. I find it hard to concentrate in class, i keep in daydreaming or talking. Speech day was ok, cus i was marching alone and i was laughing to myself as there were no other friends beside me. I was like laughing and smiling away. Sad to say, a girl from our squard fainted. I told her not to march and let alena take over, but i guess she was over-confident that she could withstand the heat. The food was also nice but i was quite full to take but still finished it. When you know you can't have it, why bother to even try when your effots are going to be vain. You can make miracles if you take the first step, and not just by praying but trying. My girls and i are going Cathy cinema, i'm dying to watch a horror one while that thanna is scared. I'm too tired, i'm going retire for the night.
Chap 8.57pm

2007-03-31T07:24:00.000-07:00

Lately everyone is feeling down, i don't know why we have this feeling. Too bad we're humans and have to live with it through be it sad or happy. Trust me, i will make this go away. I will try my every means to make it go away even if to see you laugh. Cause the feeling is killing everyone, i have no one to laugh with. I strike because of her, she is the only one who can set me at ease. I won't have to worry or cry, i make my own happiness. But i'm afraid for one thing, i can't console anyone. I bad with my words, i may blurt the wrong things so don't expect sympathy from me. I'm really so bad. One moment, i'm thinking that my parents are dead another minute i'm making use of them. I'm so heartless, when they don't have a heart each. I got to be flexible. Lately, my mood just shoots up, i'm trying to control. I will be shouting like an old aunty, loud and fierce. Sometimes, i think i'm going to die. I think have cancer, i don't know. What if it's really going to end, and i may not be able to cherish my moments. It's been 5 days without each other, finally caught up with him but he had to rush off with his friend. Msg him late at night, and we're talking about 'stuffs'. It's fun to tease him, when both of us blush. Even if it hurts, i won't bring myself down.
Chao 11.23pm

2007-03-01T05:19:00.000-08:00

OK, we came in First for the inter-school badminton, Lichfield. It was quite great as i played Double with Fionia, we were not the best though. My captain told me to play single but i gave it up. I lost all my skills, and nearly forget how to play as it has been 2 years since i last played. Primary school it was fun playing with our teacher, Mdm Choo, she trained us as there were no coach. I onced remember we came Fourth in North zone, it was a great experience. Now, my whole body is aching as i'm missing my primary school teachers. Sometimes i find it to be weird, or am i the one weird. I do things my way and you can find me a nuisance, nagging early in the morning. I'm the one who's always at fault but i keep quiet, believe it? My body is not normal, i'm so sick physically and emotionally. Deep down, there are many things so wrong and i can't help it cause i can't stand it. There are many mysteries and yet to be solved. I can't concentrate in class, and its not about BGR, there are somethings to be understood. I didn't want to get hurt and make things worse. I'm getting more lazy, i do things at my pace not looking at the time. I really can't help it, my body is not normal and i'm not like anyone. I'm fighting a disease which my body can't cope with, not serious it has something to do with my heart. Floorball training was fun as we had physical training, it's been long since i ran that much. I didn't get to play the games as there were too many teams. Coach met me at the end of the training and asked me why i didn't get or didn't want to play, i was scared cus i thought she would scold me. It really was not scolding but somehow when i was talking to her, i felt scared and nearly breakdown. I emo in the training session and all the way to home. I guess i am really so TIRED, i really am and i can't stand it cause it is always ruining up my plans. It's been a week since i last met him and i miss him. I'm off.
Chao 9.37pm

2007-02-14T04:14:00.000-08:00

My family at the photo shoot, Dec2 .

This toos, it is kinda weird.

My sister, brother-in-law,brother and me, traditional japanease costume.

This is the best, i could not fit in the sofa.

Finally myself, woots i'm not shy.

Finally uploaded the pictures which we took at the studio on Dec2. Today is valentines'day! It was kinda exciting in school as the guys were brining something for the girls. I think we ate lots of chocolates today. We went J8 after school to return the library books. While laxmi and i went shopping as i know it would be boring. We saw many students from our school, in groups and hand in hand. There were too many couples and i was feeling jealous,haha. The mall was quite crowded by many students. We saw assad,sarvesh and haresh, we made them buy us mentos.

Laxmi bought something and i'm planning to buy later as we both are not free. I don't know what my dad is gonna give my mum, hehex. He is not even home. We went home around 4.30pm and changed to our clothes before coming down. There was going to be a movie show, lol. Poor nita and sima, they bought us a Dewacks9 Cake, how sweet and a card made by themselves. After that we played water bomb, and left the basketball court in a mess. I wonder if our dads would get a scolding tomorrow. It was a total fun and a disaster mess. HAPPY VALENTINES DAY peeps.

Chao 8.34pm

2006-12-21T07:35:00.000-08:00

The drugs begin to peak
A smile of joy arrives in me
But sedation changes to panic and nausea
And breath starts to shorten
And heartbeats pound softer
You won't try to save me!
You just want to hurt me and leave me desperate!

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had.
I can't forget, the times that I was
Lost and depressed from the awful truth How do you do it?
You're my heroine!

You won't leave me alone!
Chisel my heart out of stone, I give in everytime.
You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had
I can't forget, the times that I was
Lost and depressed from the awful truth How do you do it?
You're my heroine!

I bet you laugh, at the thought of me thinking for myself. (myself)
I bet you believe, that I'm better off with you than someone else.
Your face arrives again, all hope I had becomes surreal.
But under your covers more torture than pleasure
And just past your lips there's more anger than laughter
Not now or forever will I ever change you
I know that to go on, I'll break you, my habit!

You taught my heart, a sense I never knew I had.
I can't forget, the times when I was
Lost and depressed form the awful truth How do you do it?
You're my heroine!
I will save myself!

This song rakws, My Heroine by silverstein.
I just came back from photo taking at the studio. Bro-in-law and sister were taking a wedding photo, so they asked me follow them. Man,i had to wake up early at 8am and i slept only at 3am last night. I couldnt get to sleep, don't know what happened to me. Sis too so many photo shots, i was so bored looking at them take picture. After that, went to sentosa and botanic garden take another shot in her wedding gown. It was already 6 plus and i was having headache. After only 7 plus we finished the whole thing and went to vivo city. It was so huge. Crowded with so many people too. We went in to many shops and try on the clothes, but in the end didn't buy anything. Sis was not in the mood. So we went home around 10pm. I'm so damn tired now, i want to get some sleep.
chao 11.48pm

2006-09-05T20:43:00.000-07:00

4th sept ; we won the Meridean JC 4-3. We qualify for the next competiton, 5th sept, only to lose to Pasirian 8-0. Everyone was so disappointed, especially our coach. I got hit by the ball so many times, it really didn't matter if we could win that way. It was a great match playing with 18yr-old girls. They were tough and fast. We just couldn't go on. My friends came to support me only to lose. After our match, we went to escape theme park. It was damn hot. There weren't many people. The haunted house tinggy was damn funny. The 8girls were damn SCARED, hahas. We left one another behind. I was feeling a little sick but i still went to play the rides. The rides make me even more giddy and for a moment i feel like throwing. So i just ride the kart. It was so much of fun. It was like riding a real car ; hahas. I bang into people. [so long ; just keep on reading my blogs]
chao xD